October 27th, 2002

It's hard to believe that it has been 12 years.  12 years since I packed up my stratus, took a left at the end of George Wade Road, Oklahoma bound.  My first months in Oklahoma are somewhat of a blur.  I remember being homesick beyond belief.   I felt like an alien in my own land.  I almost left a handful of times.  School started at the end of August....I got a job, life was moving along steady.  About a month into school my cousin asked  me to go to church.  I said no. Actually I think I might have said h#$% no. (insert shocked emoticon here).  The next week....she asked again.  Again I said no.  And then again....and again.  No. No.  She never stopped asking and instead of getting in a smack down fight right in the middle of our living room, I said fine.  (insert rolling eyes emoticon here).  My cousin went to church no only once a week, but twice!  TWICE! I thought she was a little cray before cray was a word we used on a regular basis.

The first time I stepped into her church was for a Thursday night gathering.  It was a night dedicated to college students and on this particular night a singer Jami Smith was there as a guest.  I'm not sure what quite happened.  I walked in, sat down, the music started and I bawled like a baby the whole time.  Though most of the first few months in Oklahoma were a blur, this night still feels so real.  The next time I went to church, though I swore there wouldn't be a next time, was on a Sunday.  Pastor Rod was preaching.  Most of what he was saying was registering blah, blah, blah.  Until suddenly, the last few minutes of his talk, the words that were coming out of his mouth miraculously made contact with my ears and I heard him say... If you're a skeptic of  God.  If you don't really think that there is a God....I sat up a little more in my chair.  I remember thinking...well yeah, duh of course I don't believe in all this God stuff.  The next few words that he spoke would forever change me.  He said, "take 5 minutes or the length of a song.  Ask God to prove himself real to you, then you'll see."

That night i decided to try it.  Skeptically, of course.  I put on Dave Matthew's version of The Maker (ironically enough). I said in not so many words...if you're real, prove it.  He did.  I can't quite explain it, other than true divine intervention.  I couldn't move.  My heart softened and I felt His presence (though I didn't know that's what it was at the time).  I was an athiest...as hardcore as they come, you know.  Maybe you didn't know that.  Maybe you thought I grew up going to church.  Always loving Jesus.  That's not the case though....

I met Jesus on that day at 23 in the middle of Oklahoma.

It wasn't a fall to the ground she's healed kind of thing.  It has been a process.  I have gotten to know Jesus and the Bible--yet I still have so much to learn.  Always will.  I hurt people even though I don't want to.  I make mistakes.  I doubt.  I struggle to believe....but I am changed.  I have changed so much.

I don't have a perfect life.  Christians aren't perfect.  Though some might have treated you in a way that makes you think they are.  I'm sorry for that.

12 years later I have come to learn that though life isn't perfect, it will perfect us.  

Good times.
Hard times.
In between times.

It's training camp.

The ups and downs.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I also wouldn't change putting on that song that night.

October 27, 2002 will always be a most special day....and now you have an even better understanding of why October will always be my best month ever!!

Love you all!

Bounce

This summer has been very different than past summers.  Usually I am working and so busy that by the time it's over I wonder where it went.  Not this summer.  I haven't worked, except for a few days at school and my time hasn't been very structured.  Raise your hand if you like structure and busyness??!  If I could put one of those cute emoticons in here of a hand raising I would.... because that is me. Uh huh!  At this point some of you are saying, oh you poooooor thing. ;)  I know, I know.

So, though there have been a few bursts where I have spent a lot of time with people,  I have mostly spent time with me. alone. all by myself (cue the music).  At first I felt an uneasiness in my soul.  I don't like being alone for long periods of time so it was a very different feeling.  Don't get me wrong, as an introvert, I love alone time...but not that much.   So my FOMO (fear of missing out) was on the brink until I felt like God whispered to me.... you have to be okay with yourself enough to be alone.  What?! And in what seemed liked an after school special aha moment, I realized what that meant.  Be with yourself and be okay with it.  I started to realize that I had left a lot of my identity in who I was hanging out with, where I was going, who I was helping, impacting, changing, encouraging, etc.  If I wasn't busy doing something, with someone, for someone, I was not okay.  I was very clingy and no amount of bounce could cure it. Let's be honest.  No one likes clingy.   #saynotocling

So my summer days became a discovery in learning to appreciate exactly who I was, where I was.  Not in an egotistical way, but in a "Mel, you have a lot of good, but you also have broken parts and that's okay" kinda way.  When you free up yourself to have an honest look into your heart and mind and accept yourself, it spills out and you have a new sense of calm with other relationships too.  You give yourself the job of making you happy and understand that other people and experience are bonuses! 

Now, don't think I have turned into a true hermit or anything, although many of you know that I do joke about it and might just excel at that lifestyle. heh.   I have just realized again the importance of alone time and the fact that being disconnected sometimes is okay!  Really!  My FOMO has gone to the wayside and I have learned to love the moment that I am in, instead of wanting to be somewhere else.

So here's to all of us enjoying the last bit of summer as much as we can! Love you all :) 

  

Jenga Bells

Last week I had the pleasure of playing a friendly game of Jenga with my buds.  You know, the game that starts out as a perfectly straight tower and then you have to go and change it by moving blocks out and onto the top?  I mean, whoever thought ruining a perfectly straight tower would be fun??  

Well, I hadn't played the game in over a decade and I was happy that the results were different this time.  When I was younger the game didn't appease me very much.  I would last maybe two rounds and then that sucker would tumble to the table straight to block Heaven.  Borrrinnngggg.  This time, however, the tower kept growing.  Each player would carefully analyze the best place to pull a block.  Though we were all scared that the tower would fall, we kept going.  I took a picture of the beauty shortly before it's demise.  Look, isn't it amazing?

As I look at the picture of this tower, I so clearly see how if reflects my life and how I have changed.  You see, I would prefer life to be a perfectly straight tower with not a block out of place.  The truth is though, it is nothing like that at all.  Life is full of holes that aren't always filled, yet we stand.  Life is full of moments where we feel like we are going to come crashing to the ground, yet we remain standing.  There are times in life where we are going to have to take a block out (even if we are super scared) and make compromises, but when we do it with wisdom and planning, we can still remain standing.  The younger version of myself was hasty and didn't truly think about the blocks I was moving, so the game ended quicker than it could have.  As I played the game with patience and planning the results were much different.  

I am learning to embrace the tower that I have been given in life and to not be afraid of moving the blocks if I need to.  I am also choosing to look at the gaps in my tower as proof that I've changed or am changing.  We all have towers under construction.  It is what moves us toward that beautiful masterpiece God intends us to be.

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.  Proverbs 21:5

Sticks and Stones

We all have this idea of how certain relationships in our life should play out.  Am I right?  We picture how things should or shouldn't be.  It is part of being a human with an imagination.  A blessing and a curse.  Sometimes, actually, most of the time, our should be's get turned upside down and we are left baffled.  But....but...but..... I can see myself so many times standing in the dust of my expectations as I wonder what on Earth just happened....it wasn't supposed to go that way?  It is at this moment I have to remind myself to have a funeral for my expectations.  I don't go all dress in black on them, but I do mourn.  Seriously, I do.

Just last week I had to do this.  Someone close to me said something that just about knocked me over dead.  Excuse me? I was left speechless and completely shocked.  I felt like it was one of those moments where the lights went off and there was a giant spotlight on me.  The announcer in my mind came on and shouted, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  To which I kindly objected.  Words will never hurt me??? Whoever came up with that saying must have had no feelings to begin with.  For real.

So, my shocked self decided to put up a wall that even the most skilled climber couldn't get over.  I had thoughts like, I can't believe so and so did that.  What nerve?  No one else has to go through this.  It is so unfair.  Why me?  Why me x 100?   I knew that I couldn't continue in this mourning process.  I was miserable.  I wanted so badly to go back and rewrite the chain of events and  have them line up with my expectations.  I decided to forgive, but not fully, only about 25% or so..... yeah, yeah...I know.

I was still stewing some on Sunday when I went to church.  I cringed when I saw the topic of Pastor's message.  Forgiveness.  I let the message sink in.  As I was looking at the scriptures referenced by pastor, I came upon another set of scripture that I had circled at some point.  I don't know when or why, but as soon as I read them, I knew God had meant them for that very moment.

Proverbs 20:30

It was at that moment that I realized that this situation could make me stronger and wiser or bitter and helpless.  I also realized that these unmet expectations are a part of life.  When these things happen to us, they can cleanse us of the evil that we so dearly want to hold onto.  Unforgiveness, hatred, jealousy, you name it.  I, like the person that hurt me, need the inner depths of our hearts cleansed on a daily basis. I am crazy to think that I too haven't hurt someone in the same way.

It is okay to mourn what we thought should have been, but also important to look at what truly is and celebrate.  Life may not be fair, but we can still fare well despite.

Until next time.... 

The After Party

The other day I was chatting with a friend about future plans and goals.  When I was in the moment I was so excited for the future and hopeful.  I may or may not have been doing internal round offs and cartwheels.  If you had asked me to I would have ran down the street giving away high fives and hugs.  You're right, I probably wouldn't have ran, but I would have definitely fast walked. ;) 

So, we parted and in the moment that my feet started to go the other direction it hit.  What I have so lovingly coined "The After Party."  The party can start moments, hours, days, months after something happens.  What is the after party you may be wondering?  Well, the after party is a collection of negative emotions that like to set up camp in my mind directly after an event or conversation takes place.  During any given after party you will find doubt, fear, envy, selfishness and if it a big shabang resentment and bitterness show up.  Woooeeee, that's some party, eh?  During these moments where my mind has taken a turn for the worse I can feel my insides heating up too.   It is just plain awful! Some days I can stop the party as soon as it starts. I can go all peace warden on myself and say break it up kids, break it up.  Other days not so much.  Um, and on those days the after party can turn into a pity party or what I like to call "take me to an island and leave me" party. It is ugly.  Trust me.  

Want to know something cool though? As I have been working to strengthen my inner peace warden, by God's grace, the later parties are becoming fewer.  Can I get an amen?  I write because I know I am not the only one who struggles with after parties.  So, we must learn,  train, learn and train some more to think on what is true.  Philippians 4:8 all the way! 

I have to share this someecard with you.... my friend sent it to me yesterday at the perfect time!  It fits so well.  Love y'all!

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

LOVE

I was thinking this morning about what Love is like.....These aren't new ideas, but to me they mean more than a box of chocolates or flowers. <3

Love is seeing you've made a mistake and choosing not to say anything about it.
Love is wanting to change the channel but enjoying instead.
Love is giving a hug and kiss before you leave even if you are angry as all get out.
Love is getting up at 3 am to fill the wood stove.
Love is a card unexpectedly.
Love is accepting.
Love is always having fresh brewed coffee ready to go in the morning.
Love is holding hands.
Love is giving the last sip or bite.
Love is praying together.
Love is fighting fairly.
Love is forgiving every single hurt.
Love is not giving up on each other.
Love is imperfect.
Love is laughing your heads off.
Love is agreeing to disagree sometimes.

And the list goes on....

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” - Emily Bronte

(my friend showed me this quote and I loved it!)

Take it or Leaf it

I want to write today about the beautiful maple that stands in my front yard.  
                                                         

Isn't she lovely? Even today as she is being weighed down by the latest snowfall, she is majestic.  Notice how she stands out amongst the other trees.  Taller, branches that reach to the highest heights, (well, or the heights that my camera can capture).  If you walk a little closer you'll notice something that at this distance you cannot see.  She is full of holes, I mean tons, from years of providing maple syrup for a local maker.  Her bark is falling off and cracked in several places.  Some of her limbs have broken off, leaving only a bump on her side as a reminder.  This beautiful maple has weathered years of unpredictable moments.  She has been home to countless birds, provided hope in Springtime as her branches start to green and shade in the Summertime as the temperature turns up.  In the fall she provides a beautiful canopy of orange as her limbs become exposed once again and her leaves reach the ground.

I wish we all had the courage to be like this maple.  When life provides a storm, we embrace it and dig our roots in deep.  We weather the seasons of life with grace and strength realizing that each season has beauty if we take the time to see it.  Let's stop and see those moments.  So I guess in this case..... if life gives you lemons, make some maple syrup. :)

 

 

 

 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  James 1:4

 

 

 



Balance Beam Me Up Scotty

I love, love the game show Wheel of Fortune.  My favorite puzzle to solve?  Yep, you guessed it.  Before and After.  Someday I hope to experience the thrill of buying a vowel, but until then, I will just keep doing my daily life as we know it.

This past month has been one of quiet reflection for me.  There is nothing I love more than getting alone with a cup of coffee and spilling my thoughts out over the lines of my journal page.  When there is an emptying of my mind, there is a filling of my heart.  I sort out the lies and remind myself of the truth.  This is one thing that Josh helps me with on a daily basis.  We often stop and think, "What is the truth?"  How often do we just go around letting thoughts fly in and out of our mind, or sometimes mouth, without thinking?  This is something I may struggle with more than the average person.  This thought sorting has taught me the value of reflection and waiting.  Wisdom waits.  That has been my motto over the last few months.  I have been making progress, but still have times where wisdom doesn't wait, rather it acts like a bull in a china shop taking out everything in the way.  For those days that wisdom doesn't wait I have to forgive myself.  I have realized that if you can't forgive your own faults, how on earth are you going to forgive the faults of someone else?  Speaking of forgiveness (nice segue, huh?), I wanted to share my latest aha moment in the before and after category and it has to do with forgiving others as I am learning to forgive myself too.  Before:  I used to think that when you forgave someone, that meant you had to do your best to become BFFs with them and go out of your way to make things right, peachy, copasetic, what have you.  After:  I realize that you can forgive someone and not have to be involved in their life.  Sometimes, you have to move on and separate yourself from that person......and it is okay.  It takes great wisdom to figure out who would fit into this category, because on some days I am sure we all could end up forgiving everyone and then becoming a hermit.  Winky smiley face.

Until next time....

Keith Urban Myth
Optimus Prime Rib
Sugar and Spice Girls

Ok, ok...I'm done :)

On my 12th day without Facebook my true love gave to me.....

12 days without Facebook.  Gasp! Social suicide!  

Should I get an award for that? A nice golden, shiny thing with my name etched in the side.  Well, no, I don't guess that I will be getting any sort of reward for this, but really, I have gotten some sweet rewards that don't come by way of a visible trophy.

And NO, I do not think Facebook is the devil.  Someone asked me that.  For the love of fried green tomatoes, no, no, no! 

But, to me, it was tearing me away from good things, hence, my abandonment.  Please don't hate me fbers.  I still have fb love.

I just wanted to share with you some things I realized since departing, and, eh-hem, I hate to admit that a social media website had SUCH a hold on ole Mely girl....anyway, here goes....

1. My phone is no longer my bff.  Cowabunga dude was I attached at the hip with my Atrix.
2.  I am able to soak up my own moments, not just others.
3.  I am on a need to know basis and I decided that most of the time I really DON'T need to know what is going on with my 200 plus fb friends and vise versa.  Love them all? Yes, yes I do.  But in the words of Uncle Jesse, "have mercy!" (and set some boundaries!)
4.  My husband has noticed that when he talks,  I listen more and by that he means actually listens, not listening while distracted (LWD).  That should be a traffic violation, for real.
5.  Better sleep.

So, let's just recap.  No, I do not in any way, shape or form think that The Facebook is the devil.  But, for me, it was necessary to step back.  I saw how much it was consuming my life.  I have also realized that anything I miss on Facebook I can just learn about in real life.  Pictures, stories, videos are much better shared shoulder to shoulder with the ones I love.  I know, I know... so old school, right? ;)

Until next time!

Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.  Psalm 90:12