Enemy-I love you

Today started out like any other day.  Josh and I left the house for church a little early because we needed to get some gas or else we wouldn't have made it to said church.  (You see...I have this bad habit of letting the gas light come on.  Bad Mely!).  So, we hopped into our trusty rouge, I cranked up the AC and we headed over the river to get some gas.  I jumped...okay, okay, waddled, my way out of the car and into the gas station.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw something that I tried to ignore.  My enemy standing talking to her mom.  I know it's hard to believe that a sweet girl (eh hem) like myself has an enemy...but um yes... I sure do.  I tried to ignore my peripheral vision and shake off what I saw.  I can't explain what happened next other than I was taken over by an alien.  You'll never believe what I did.   I turned my head and made eye contact with my enemy's mom.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING MEL??? Were the thoughts running through my head....along with...pretend you don't know her..faint...run out of the door yelling fire, fire, fire!!  Do anything but make eye contact.  Well,  I make eye contact...and...I actually said..."Hello."

Gulp.

Not only did I say hello..but I smiled when I did it.  Upon this friendly hello and smile with mom of my enemy, my enemy turned her head my way.  SOS. SOS. SOS.  I felt like the fire whistle in town started to go off inside my head.  What now I thought to myself, what now?

The coolest thing happened.

I felt love for my enemy.

WHAT?

what?

What?!

Not only did I feel love for my enemy, I moved closer to her and started a conversation.

I'm sure you are wondering how on earth this woman became my enemy.  I'll save you the gory details and just say that she did something to Josh and I that caused much heartache.  We tried to talk with her to have reconciliation....but she declined.  We tried several times.  This was over 2 1/2 years ago.  At first I avoided her.  When I saw her, I'd do an about face and go the other way.  I wouldn't go to places that I thought she might be.  This situation had a hold of me in ways that only God could heal.  Josh and I prayed so much for healing.  It didn't feel like anything was changing in my heart.  I had to keep forgiving her over and over.  I came to learn that this was part of the forgiveness process.

Circumstances eventually changed and I stopped seeing my enemy as much.  Sigh of relief. Phewwwwww.  I was glad I didn't have to deal with THAT situation anymore.

Until today.

I wasn't expecting it.

Out of the blue.

Enemy-I love you.

I looked at her with new eyes.  I realized that she was just as unsure as I was when we were talking this morning.  She was kind to me though, and I to her.  She asked how we were and I told her about Emmalyn coming soon.  She rejoiced with me.  As I turned to part I saw her for what I was too.  A flawed person who doesn't always handle things correctly.

My enemy may never cross my path again, but I knew that we both needed this morning.  She needed to know that we were okay and I needed to see that she was too.

I got in the car and thanked God for the healing that He had done on my heart.  I didn't think it was possible, but it really is with His help.

Enemy-I love you.

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Matthew 5:44

What If?

Are you one of those people who, when a big life change is on the horizon, welcome it with open arms of joy and loads of unending excitement?  Yeah.  Me either.  Okay, okay... I shouldn't say I never get excited... But it isn't always smooth sailing. :)

Ok, so back to my original question about life changes.  Whenever a big life change is happening in my life I battle "What if?" dialogue in my head.  You are familiar with my ole pal what if, right??  My buddy What If loves to remind me of every catastrophic event that's ever happened on the planet and assure me that it is about to happen on the other side of my life change.  Today I was having breakfast when my pal decided to show up.  "What if....what if...what if...."  All what ifs about our newest adventure that's coming up.  It's exhausting when this happens.  Am I right??  I woke up with every intention of just doing some reading, journaling and breakfast eating.  Instead, I got caught up in a stormy what if session.  Sometimes I don't even know that it's happening.  It just gets going and going and next thing you know...I have created several devastating events and all before 7 am.  Oye!  Something happened this morning that caused me to put on the what if brakes.  "What if I can't handle having a newborn?" This was my what if... and like a bolt of lightning I heard...."Oh but what if you can and will be even stronger?"  I had never thought of there being a flip side to my buddy what if.  So I sat there, as if in a court room, countering my what if's.

"What if all of my friends forget about me after the baby comes?"  but..."What if your friendships grow stronger and they give you wisdom and love that help you through"

"What if they hire a substitute for the fall who I don't think is the right choice?"  but... "What if they hire someone who you didn't think was a good fit and turns out to be amazing...and you even learn from them?"

"What if Josh and I fight because we are so sleep deprived?"  but... "What if you learn to help each other through the sleep deprivation and grow even closer together?"


Do you see how there's always two sides to every what if question?  Life changes are exciting, scary, exhilarating, terrifying and everything wrapped up into one.  Even though they include all of these emotions...we can still find hope on the flip side of what if.

Everything won't be perfect and there will be learning with every life change, but don't let the what if party in your head hold you back from something that could be absolutely amazing.

What if....but what if?

About Face

Several months after my sister passed away we were going through her things when I stumbled upon a precious notebook.  The cover was marked "Road Trip with Mel."  You see, just 7 months before her passing we went on an amazing trip together.  I was living in Oklahoma at the time and she drove out so that we could then take a trip to the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam and Las Vegas.  Excited to find something so special, I carefully opened to the first page.  She had detailed notes about when we stopped at different places, the time and even what we ate.  My heart was so happy to relive  the memories we had made.  I kept thumbing through the pages when my eyes landed upon six words that would forever get my attention.  "Melissa is so selfish and grumpy."  I froze as I read them again hoping I had accidentally missed the "fun to be around" and "always there to lend a helping hand" part of my description.

Nope.  Nada.  "Melissa is so selfish and grumpy" seemed to leap off the page much like an SOS call.

My heart sank as I realized that I had hurt my sister without even knowing it.  She went on to describe my actions behind her statement.  I had become upset when we weren't able to listen to a CD I wanted to listen to and then even more upset when Vicky wanted to stop at a souvenir shop and I didn't.  I mean....really???!!!  Truthfully, I didn't remember making such a fuss about it, but it sure sounded like I was a toddler stuck in a 20 something body.   The tears flowed.  I stood there for what seemed like forever rereading the sentence.  I couldn't do anything about it.  I realized that I couldn't apologize to her, but I could start looking at my actions and how I was actually treating others.  I could become a student of myself......and you know what happened?  I learned a lot.  I had some really selfish parts.  Some hurtful parts that I am still to this day weeding out by God's grace.

I was always a very good student of everyone else.  I saw their flaws and nuances yet was blind to my own most of the time.  I have learned that the people I love to be around the most are self-aware-about-face kind of people.  They are humble.  They forgive and encourage.  They desire to weed out the natural born tendencies to be selfish that will be a forever learning process for us all.

So, take care of the people who are in your life.  Think before you speak.  Ask for forgiveness when you mess up.  About Face! 

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4