Thursday, December 27, 2012

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

I read a great devotion today about renewing our minds... I used to think renewing my mind was some magical thing that happened. Poof! Presto! New mind! Now I realize... Not so much...Scripture commands renewal and this author helped me to see it in a new light...

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

This particular devotion likened renewing our minds to moving to a new home. Our old home before we met Jesus is full of self....but the Lord offers us a new home full of the spirit if we CHOOSE to move there. Since we can't afford to buy a house right now... This really spoke to me because this new house given by Jesus is FREE! We must believe that He bought it for us every moment of every day so we aren't looking back at our old house wondering if we made the right move. Renew your mind by packing your bags and taking up residence in your new home. Where there was once anger hanging in every frame, replace it with a calm perspective. Renew. Where the drapes once hung with envy, take them down and replace them with appreciation and excitement for others giftings.... Here are some more thoughts I wrote after reading the devotion today.....

I am renewing my mind by realizing I haved moved houses. I no longer live in the house of fear, jealousy, laziness, discontentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, overeating, unrealistic expectation, comparison, anger and feeling sorry for myself.

I have moved into a house of peace, joy, high fives, contentment, unselfishness, hugs, self-control, smiles, service to others, unconditional love, creativity, exercise, prayer, thankfulness and determination.

Each day I will create new paths to my house by taking one step at a time. Moving is not easy. Remember why we usually move in the first place... Our old house wasn't working anymore. My selfish house just isn't working. I know somedays there will be all sorts of bad weather that might cause me to not take the path, but I will slow down, take my time and be patient and forgiving of myself. I might be tempted to have buyers remorse or feel like I will NEVER settle into my new home. But, I believe I live in a new home. It was bought for me by Jesus. The closing costs are my daily choices. It will take me a lifetime to settle in, but a lifetime is what I have. I am renewed.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Choose Your Own Adventure

You all know the Choose Your Own Adventure books....where you can turn to page 45 for one ending or 56 for a differently possible ending.  Don't we wish our lives were like that?  When something happens we don't want to walk through.... we want to scream.....WAIT!  God, please choose page 56!  Well....that's not how it works...is it?

God has really spoken to me these last couple days and softened my heart to release my need to know the ending of different adventures in my life.  He has walked me back through previous "adventures" that, at the time, I didn't think the right ending was picked and I defintely didn't think I would make it through.

In the Bible, God tells the Israelites to choose twelve stones from the Jordan River after they cross as a memorial to remind them what God did for them by stopping the Jordan River and allowing them to cross.  God has asked me, too, to pick out my stones of remembrance.  It has brought peace back to my heart by remembering all the ways that God has been with me. 

My stones.....

2002
God was with me in a little house in Norman, Oklahoma on October 27 when I asked Him into my life.  He had been working on my heart since June of that year when I moved out to Oklahoma.  God knew I needed to move to Oklahoma to meet Him.  God knew I'd need my cousin Sarah.  He knew.

2004
God walked with me through the hardest days imaginalbe when we lost my sister Vicky.  I was a baby Christian and I thought that praying, annointing with oil would work 100% of the time.  I was confused when it didn't, but God walked with me.  He walked with all of us during that pain.  He would be with me when the song that was used at her remembrance ceremony, "I Can Only Imagine, " came on the radio as my sister, Carrie and I drove out to Ithaca later that year.  We missed her and God knew we needed that song.  We didn't say a word to each other...we just wept.

2005
God knew what he was doing when he brought me back to NY to start Graduate school at SUNY Cortland.  In my mind, I was never going to live in NY again, but rather someplace warmer, more artsy, well you get the picture.  But God knew what I would need to do.

2006
God was with me during what I call the year the light went out.  It was this year that I was diagnosed with "anxiety and depression."   Mainly because I hadn't delt with the fact that my idea of how my adventure should end didn't happen.  In my adventure Vicky should still be alive and I should be somewhere else. 

God was with me when my brother came to stay with me in Cortland.  He brought supplies to paint with, thinking it would help me to get my mind on creating beautiful things.  God was with me as we sat there that night with each brush stroke creating hope in my eyes, despite the tears.  A little secret if you didn't know already....my brother is a wonderful artist. 

He was also with me during the time that Carrie stayed over for the weekend.  We were playing Yahtzee and I had rolled three one's.  During my last roll I did't know that my sister had prayed, God, if my sister gets two one's I really think she is going to be okay.  I rolled the one's.  Yahtzee.  Carrie started crying and when she shared with me the reason why....I cried .....we hugged each other tight

He was with me as I read each card my mom sent reminding me...do not give up, I love you.

He was with me when I couldn't sleep and I was so scared.  He was with me as I met with a counselor and sorted out the darkness.  He was with me.

2007
I was still healing when God's grace helped me to finish graduate school in May of 2007.  I met a great friend there...Missy Chrystie.  Somehow God knew that I would need her way in advance, so He picked us both to get interviews at Oxford Primary School....which, but the way, was only 10 minutes from where I grew up.  You might remember in my version of the adventure I wouldn't have dreamed of living so close to home.  But God knew.  So we both interviewed and God was with me as a I walked into a room full of people for my first interview.  He was with me when I taught a class of students I didn't know and He was with me when I got the call from the principal offering me the job.  Missy got the job too.  Finally, tears of joy! 

2008
God was with me when I learned that I would be another inclusion room in Third Grade.  I was nervous, but God has given me a great friend through it all...Paige LaVine.  He knew I'd need her.

2009
He was with me when all of my duds finally turned into a "stud" (haha!) and Josh and I started dating.  He was with me.

2010
He was with me as Josh and I commited to choosing God's adventure for our lives on October 23rd.  We vowed to love God and each other, no matter what. 

2012
He has been with me this fall as I've walked through some hard parts of my adventure.  If you read my last post... you know what I mean.  But, He has given me so many people who I feel His love through.  Remember my friend Missy who I went to Grad school with?  God knew I would need her, especially this year, so we both are in Third Grade together.  God knew I would need her to help me smile on the good and bad days.  He has also given me Paige like I said before.  These two are like sisters to me.  God knew I'd need them, especially these past few months.  He knew I'd need Josh, too.  His encouragement, love and commitment.  God has given me a husband that I never could have chosen myself and God is with us each step of the way.  My in-laws, other friends...I could go on and on with the ways He has shown his love.  He loves us.

And....

I know God will be with me no matter what other mountains or valleys come my way.  In each case they make me stronger if I let them.  I need to make a daily choice to say....God, the adventure is Yours.





When all the people had crossed the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, 2 “Now choose twelve men, one from each tribe. 3 Tell them, ‘Take twelve stones from the very place where the priests are standing in the middle of the Jordan. Carry them out and pile them up at the place where you will camp tonight.’” 4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had chosen—one from each of the tribes of Israel. 5 He told them, “Go into the middle of the Jordan, in front of the Ark of the Lord your God. Each of you must pick up one stone and carry it out on your shoulder—twelve stones in all, one for each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 6 We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.”  Joshua 4:1-7

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Please hold.

Hold on...but what if I don't want to?  What if the thing I would like to do most is let go and run 1,000 miles in the opposite direction?   

Lately life has proven to be a bit challenging.  Someone whom I love deeply has hurt me deeply.  Two people I love so much have been very ill.  Work pressures. Financial concerns.  My own sickness that won't go away.  It could be worse I know, but it still hurts really badly.  If I am holding on, it's not by much.  When you are hurting...it's true.  You want others to hurt too, just as much as you do.  It's not fair that I have to hurt so much.  I know you know what I mean...if, after all, you are a living breathing flawed human like myself.

I am squeezed, pressed, boiling over....and it's evident that while I am still holding on, it's not to the right things.  Fear, anger, doubt, confusion..... when you hold onto those things nothing good can come of it. 

I keep getting reminded of the woman who reached toward Jesus in hopes of holding on to at least a thread of his garment.  That reaching gave her the greatest sense of hope...despite that she was in a very hurting situation.  She knew that a brush with his clothing would bring amazing changes to her life.

I need just a thread of your garment Jesus so that I too may let go and only hold on to You.

I reach.
I hope.
I love You Lord.

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him.  And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her.  She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.  "Who touched me?" Jesus asked.  When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."  But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me. Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Mark 5:42-48


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Lions, Tigers and Assessment Cycles, Oh my!

Do you want to know how to make it feel like Christmas morning without spending a dime?! Have your mail held while you are on vacation.  yep.  There is nothing quite like opening the doors of the post office in a "the hills are alive" sort of way and gingerly stepping up to the counter to utter these words.  "I'd like to pick up the mail we have held."  The postmaster so loving and so kind disappears for a moment and then returns with stacks and stacks of unopened promises.  Okay, okay yes I am exaggerating.  It was one stack and instead of promises it was mostly junk mail. but still.

So I take my stack of Christmas morning out to the car.  I shuffle through, smiling from ear to ear....hey if you think this is bad...you should walk with me through an office supply isle...right Josh?! ;)

I flip through the magazines.  I love me some magazines.  A few cards.  Thank you card writers!  And then tucked behind an offer for better insurance from Geico I see something that looks vaguely familar...."Pri...." Suddenly the music stops.  The hills aren't alive.  The birds stop chirping and Christmas morning ends.  It is a letter from my school.  Aren't I dramatic?! :)

Reluctantly I open the envelope to see what is inside.  It is thicker than normal so I wonder if maybe they have added more kids to my class, or maybe they got some thank you letters in the mail from parents of my last year's class and are sending them along... a girl can dream?! :)

Hidden inside the thick envelope were a few papers.  The normal hope your summer is going well letter and saying how school is starting soon.  It was actually a nice letter...then the acronyms started to fly......you'll have some PD in DDI and your observation will be ASAP.  Okay I added that last one.  It went on to talk about my assessment cycle schedule and benchmarks, etc.  My teacher peeps hear me, right?

I feel my chest start to tighten and my mind start to fill with doubts of..."what if I can't do the CCLS correctly, or what if...what if..."  See, that was my normal first reaction.  I'm human and hopefully since you are reading this you are too. ;)  So I stopped the doubt dance going on in my mind and did what I have been trying to do a lot of lately.  Look for a better perspective.

Here is what I saw...
The reality is this year is going to be different, but isn't every year?
The reality is we WILL have to implement the CCLS through DDI and have some PD.  Can I change it? nope! Am I alone? Nope! I have many amazing colleagues that will be right there in the boat with me.  We may lose an oar, hit some rough waters, say mayday mayday.....but we'll still be in it....together.

Despite all of these changes some things will remain the same....
-we will have beautifully sharpened pencils the first day of school (and probably only the first day, haha)
-our students will still inevitably calls us mom or grandma at some point throughout the year.
-we will have many students that say..."ooooh I get it now" and guess what?! that's because of our help!
-we will get to use white board markers. (okay maybe I'm the only one that gets excited for that?!)
-we will hear a cheerful "Good morning, _____________" every day for the whole year.
-we will lose our papers and ask the students where we set them down. And they will tell us. haha..I love that I have 20 other sets of eyes.
-we will have students that say we are the "best teacher ever!"

Please add to the list my teacher friends.... I love you in a teacher love kind of way and am looking forward to the year ahead! :)



Friday, July 20, 2012

Rush Hour Dust Bunnies

Rush, Rush,. Rush.....


This summer one of my jobs is to help an elderly friend of mine clean her house and get some things organized that she has been wanting to.  Yesterday during one of my "rush" sessions I was helping her organize some things in her bathroom.  While my mind was busy wondering if I would make it to my next "rush" session on time....I heard her say something that really struck a chord in my heart.  "Melissa, you don't know how much I appreciate what you're doing for me.  I wish I could do it myself, but I am thankful for you to be here with me and helping." Screeeech.  My mind came to an immediate stop.  For the first time that day I stopped and took in the environment I was in.  I sat on the floor covered in dust and self absorption.  My mind had been focused on what MY agenda entailed while I failed to realize that this woman sitting next to me was enduring emotional pain.  In that moment I stopped to listen, really listen.....

As we threw out cleaning supplies from who knows when, I realized that we sat there looking at memories covered in dust.  My friend was thankful for the dusty trip down memory lane.  As I picked up a magnetic dirt remover and wiped away the dust she told me how her late husband was always into the latest cleaning gadget or product.  She told me to throw it away because she'd never use it these days.  Next came the 3 different types of shoe polish she used to use to shine her husband's shoes.  I could see the sadness as she directed the shoe polish to the garbage.  It was dried up and no good...but it was still a memory she held dear.  It may have taken a little longer to get the job done, but sitting there and listening to her was much more important than getting the things done that I thought I needed to get done.  

When we finished cleaning under the bathroom sink I packed up my things and was onto the next thing.  But I realized something during those moments.  I need to stop rushing.  I am a chronic rusher.  Just ask my family.  I have a hard time sitting still without doing something else.  I want to be fully in moments because moments become memories.  I am thankful for yesterday's rush hour dust bunnies because God used them to teach me a lesson.  Some day I want to be sitting beside someone sharing my memories that might be covered in dust and be thankful that I didn't just rush through life.  

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Look Again

One of my students enters the classroom, puts down his breakfast that he has to eat at school because his parents (who are no longer married, hate each other and keep him in the middle) don't have enough money to provide it at home.  This same student approached me with his head hanging down and I realize that good news is not about to come.  "I didn't do my homework, Mrs. Lawrence."  My immediate reaction is frustration.  This is what seems like the 3,403,412 time he hasn't done his homework so far this year.  I want to say sternly, "What's wrong? How come you aren't able to complete your homework day after day?! Don't you know that you are being irresponsible and that irresponsible habits just lead to more irresponsibility?!" But instead a voice in me whispers..he doesn't need your judgement. He doesn't need your criticism.  He needs your love and understanding.  My heart feels heavy and at that moment  I remember what one of my professors told me....
When a child enters your room in the morning they are all carrying a certain set of "chips." She likens it to a game of poker.  Some enter with a full bucket ready to "go all in" and are able to handle whatever comes their way.  Others enter with no chips.  Their parents, if they are able to live with them, might have ignored them.  Someone might have taken what little chips they may have had by an irresponsible comment or remark about them.  Or, maybe their chips were taken..... by the fact that they don't have any food at home, or their clothes aren't clean and they worry about other kids noticing.  

That morning, this particular student was lacking chips.  When I stopped to look again, I noticed his face that had a smear of dirt on its right cheek.  His mom or dad (depending on whose week it was) must not have even noticed. If they did, surely they would have helped to wipe it clean, right?   My second look saw eyes that already felt bad enough about the irresponsibility.  On third glance, I noticed my own choice.  I looked him in the eye and told him that there would be a consequence, but that I believed that, despite him not doing his homework today, I still believed in him.  Mercy.  As he left for home later that day I pulled him aside and told him again that I believed he could do it.  We brainstormed ways that would help him be successful at completing his homework.  Encouragement.  

My perspective is what will add or take chips from the people in my life.  Now, I am in no way making excuses for this little one in not doing his homework.  I am simply saying that I needed to get off of my, for lack of better analogy, "high horse" and love.  Love him despite his homework lacking.  Love him because he needs some chips added to his life so that he has a chance of success.  More chips.  Seems simple, but hard for most.  How many people in your life are operating on a chip deficit?  The next time someone fails to meet your expectations.  Step back. Look again. And love despite.  You just might add some chips to their life so that the next person they cross paths with will reap the benefits.  

Monday, June 18, 2012

Dwellers Anonymous...Errrr.



 
I have always been a dweller...call it daydreaming, worrying, analyzing, critiquing...my mind is ALWAYS thinking.  I love when people give the actual dictionary definition of a word.  According to my lazy dictionary reference (thank you dictionary.com). Dwell means to.... to linger over, emphasize, or ponder in thought, speech, or writing. 


I dwell...in happy places, uncomfortable places...you get it.  Today I felt God nudge me.  Look at the word Dwell... within that word is 'well.'  Being a teacher I absolutely love words, words within words, yea, grade A dork.  Anyway.  'Well' is one of those beautiful multiple meaning words.  When you are in a 'well' you are deep, down in a dark place... Yet when you are 'well' in body you are full of health.  So dWELLing can take two forms you see.  God is challenging me to dwell to get well and not to stay in the depths of the dark places.  Each thought is a choice.  How well do you dwell?


Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8