But I don't like that.

I can still feel that deep down soul pain when my mama called announcing my sister's passing.  It was the kind of pain that brought me to my knees, caused me to throw the phone and scream as loud as I could at God.  It was an angry, confused, exasperated cry from the pit of disappointment. 

I had done everything right.  Prayer chain after prayer chain.  I even anointed her with oil (one of my friends said that was sure to heal her).  I was a baby Christian at the time and my view of God was that He would answer my prayers a  yes in every situation.  So, I had full confidence that He would.  I guess you could say I was in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where I only saw the easy parts of my faith. 

Those days when my sister was in the hospital are a still a blur, but I do see now a few key moments where God actually did answer my prayers even though my then 24 year old self didn't see them.  These moments bring trust back into my heart that God is faithful.

For one, the whole family was able to be there.  I mean down to Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, cousins.  Their presence in that ICU waiting room will never be forgotten.  Also, we were able to sing to her and I know she heard.  God blessed us with a smile from her even though she was in a coma.  I know there are more answered prayers.  God didn't answer our "big" prayer, but He took care of us in the little moments.  When our big prayers don't get answered, it is so easy to blame God or wonder if He even exists after all.

While driving home yesterday, I was reflecting on all of the hurt places people in my world are standing even though we prayed like crazy for healing and restoration of relationships.  Lost parents, marriages, hopes for children, jobs....you know the list could go on.  It would be a lie to say that I didn't start to doubt God's faithfulness.  Then I remember the little moments and know God is still there for us.  The simple strength for my friend to get out of bed every morning.  The card at just the right time.  The song that comes on, again, at just the right time.  Do I believe God can still answer big prayers? Absolutely! Sometimes though, in His wisdom, He simply does not.

It is the big disappointments that help us to grow.  You realize that after you've walked through something big like that. 

Today I will be looking for love in all the small places, even though it might hurt.  Will you join me?